Archive for the ‘Barack Obama’ Category

President Annouces NIH Campaign To Fight The Crippling Epidemic of Affluenza

July 23rd, 2014 1 Comment


WASHINGTON DC –Declaring the rampant spread of Affluenza “a national state of emergency,” today President Obama signed into law a new $212 billion National Institutes of Health initiative to fight the nation’s crippling, and often fatal, epidemic of Affluenza.

President Obama announcing the Affluenza initiative in the East Room

President Obama announcing the Affluenza initiative in the East Room

Affluenza has long been a problem in the U.S. but recent advances in early detection have determined that it is much more widespread than previously believed. While studies show that 47 percent of Americans are inoculated from it by a pre-existing condition known as poverty, this leaves more than half of the country vulnerable.

Researchers define Affluenza as a serious cognitive disorder that alters the way our bodies respond to widespread prosperity. As the Affluenza hormone floods the bloodstream unchecked it distorts sufferers interaction with objective reality, as evidenced by a lack of empathy and generosity, and general anti-social behavior. Instead of driving down anxiety, general prosperity fills Affluenza sufferers with a desperate craving for more possessions and bigger tax breaks. This can lead to manic acquisitions of jewels and luxury properties, delusions of wisdom and, in the most acute cases, a run for national public office.

President Obama praised the bi-partisan support for the bill.

“Members on both sides of the aisle see Affluenza every day. More than half of your representatives — your congressmen, your senators — have symptoms. It’s rampant among my cabinet appointees, heads of think tanks, lobbyists, CEOs, limousine liberals and union bosses. This is a first bold step to eliminating Affluenza and the stigma that surrounds it.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell called “groundbreaking” the new public/private partnership between the NIH and the Donald Trump Capital Preservation Institute, home to cutting edge research in this field.

Affluenza has long gone undiagnosed. Until as recently as 2007 it was common for Affluenza sufferers to be labeled as sociopaths, psychopaths, or narcissists. When virulent clusters first were detected in Darien, Connecticut and Palo Alto, California in 1998, researchers believed the disease targeted only white male Americans. As scientists from the Trump Institute isolated Affluenza’s symptoms, they identified undiagnosed cases throughout the NBA, in Kim Jung-Un’s family and among most of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, proving that Affluenza strikes all races and genders.

The Trump Institutes initial case-control study of the pathology paired individuals who suffer from Affluenza with a control group of asymptomatic individuals, nicknamed “suckers” by the researchers. The researchers plotted subjects’ activities of daily living on a six-pronged matrix consisting of general douchebaggery, insufficient tipping, number of Malcolm Gladwell books read, teeth whitening, frequency of attendance at destination weddings and times the charges were dropped without having to go to trial. At the conclusion of a six-year longitudinal study, Trump scientists identified two types of Affluenza: the rare Type One and the more widespread Type Two, comprising 95 percent of the cases. Type Two sufferers have the same acquisitive impulses as Type One but do not have the money to pay for their purchases.

“We used to think of these people as the backbone of our economy,” said President Obama. “Now we understand they are suffering too.”

Aversion therapy for Affluenza suffers has met with limited success.

Aversion therapy for Affluenza suffers has met with limited success.

The research grant will fund a clinical trial on a new drug, The Donald, that is a competitive receptor for the Affluenza hormone. This psychoactive topical medication can be transmitted trans dermally through a hairpiece, or applied directly to the scrotum by specially trained masseuses. The NIH will also be funding research on a different drug delivery system being tested at the Mitt Romney Research Institute and Equestrian Center at the Cayman Islands. The Romney team is experimenting with distributing the medicine through the climate control systems of all luxury vehicles with a list price above $46,000.

The mood during the signing ceremony in the East Room was one of triumph after the long hard fight for the bill. President Obama handed out memorial pens to Koch Brothers, 25 members of the Walton Family, the Clintons, Larry Ellison, Robert Redford, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Elon Musk, and Oprah. All in attendance sported plump gold moneybags on their lapels, the worldwide symbol of Affluenza awareness. At the close of his remarks, Obama reached into his suit jacket pocket and affixed one to his lapel.

“Ich ein bin Affluenza,” he said with moist eyes.

The room erupted in applause.


October 25th, 2011 No Comments

Yesterday presidential candidate Herman Cain, the president of Godfather pizza, released another campaign commercial, a strange one, called “Now Is The Time For Action.”

It’s got the standard stuff about how he’s going to put the “united” back in the United States of America and how “together we can do this, we can take this country back.” You have to wonder when a candidate says that where he proposes to take it back from.

I think that’s explained by the fact that campaign manager Mark Block smokes a cigarette in the middle of the commercial. This is not the kind of gesture that most candidates would make. As a candidate, Barack Obama was criticized for smoking as many said that this was a bad example for kids. In Herman Cain’s America, we will be going back to the 1960s, Mad Men time, when smoking was cool, cancer was cool.

That one gesture of taking a drag off of a cigarette communicates volumes to the audience Cain is trying to reach. There won’t be any more of this stuff about not smoking at work, or in public spaces, and no more of those other annoying rules about wearing helmets on a motorcycle. After all, Cain was a lobbyist for R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris at one time.

The campaign commercial Cain released a few months ago is even more explicit in trying to evoke John Wayne’s America.

“There was a time in America when a man was a man, a horse was a horse, and a man on a horse was just a man on a horse… unless he carried Yellow Flowers.”

The villains in this little drama are the rude, hooch-swilling liberals who spit on our hero’s shoes and malign his manhood when they taunt him about carrying yellow flowers. He’s too tough to take that bait.  He responds, “Why does it always have to be about color? What are you guys? Liberals?”  Then he slugs them.

There’s so much going on in this commercial, you have to think he’s putting us on.  The tough guy gets a margarita during his break, a margarita with a straw!  After insulting the intelligence of the women on the crew, he talks directly to us about how being a community organizer doesn’t equip anyone to be president.  Hmmm. I guess being the president of the 8th biggest pizza chain does, because to do that, you have to be really tough.

Combined, the two commercials advertise an American future where tough talking, quick-fisted he men smoke their cigarettes and swill their drinks between fist fights with weak-kneed, rude and racist liberals.  Hard to see how this puts the united back in the United States.

He’s making headway with this message, though.  In Iowa he’s on top with 28 percent of likely votes supporting him, a big distance from Mitt Romney who now only stands at 21 percent.

Note:  After I posted this, Mike Godwin tweeted that he believed Mark Block is shaking his head so often because he can’t believe he’s saying these things about Herman Cain.